It had been a long day at work and Clarence the Sheep was exhausted. He'd spent the last 4 hours combing through page after page of calculations looking for a $45 accounting error and then, just when he'd found the problem, his boss had announced that the cost analysis department declared solving the problem was "NCE".
Not. Cost. Effective.
Clarence'd headed straight out the door the minute his shift was up and made a bee-line for the closest artery-clogging fast food he could find. Arby's. He decided Arby's would be his Grayhaven, his shelter from the last 8 hours of hell he'd spent rifling through stacks of paper with his aching hooves.
Clarence considered dropping into a liquor store on the way to the roast beef menagerie but a split second before he clicked the turn signal on he saw a familiar car in the Arby's parking lot. He couldn't put his hoof on it but something inside of Clarence told him his day was about to get better. It hit him only seconds before his eyes took in a wonderful sight: That was Ferdinand's car!
Ferdinand the Monkey had been Clarence the Sheep's best friend at his previous job and it had been almost entirely because of Ferdinand that Clarence had stayed at the little framing shop for 3 years before moving on to his current work place. Almost every day, pulling into his personal parking space in his company car, Clarence had questioned if the extra pay and perks were worth the loss of his best friend.
"Ferdy!" Clarence tried very hard to sound as if no time had passed since they'd last seen each other. In reality it had been almost 3 years and had felt like 10. A full 5 seconds passed before Ferdinand, an impish grin on his face, turned around and launched himself onto Clarence with his arms wide open. The sheep in a suit had shed 3 tears before he realized what was going on but Ferdinand the Monkey was kind enough not to point them out. The truth was he'd cried 4 tears himself in the 5 seconds between Clarence calling his name and the mighty monkey-hug they'd shared.
The less time he spent thinking about crying the less likely he was to re-open the floodgates.
Showing posts with label Writing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Writing. Show all posts
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
A Tale of Magic and Woe, set in an Arby's Restaurant, part 5
His mind spun as he tried desperately to comprehend what had just taken place. One minute Clarence and Ferdinand were distant friends trying to catch up where they'd left off years ago; seconds later a screaming duck named Fauntleroy was taking aim with a freshly reloaded shotgun, intent on claiming a chocolate turnover, Ferdinand's life, or both.
Clarence reached to the small of his back and felt the comforting shape of the enchanted Narnian dagger that his sister had given him for Hanuka a couple of years ago. She'd worked as a set dresser on "The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe" and had snatched it from James McAvoy's dressing room while he was in makeup with the intention of selling it as memorabilia. She'd been disappointed when it wouldn't show up in pictures making it impossible to list effectively on ebay. Charlene (Clarence's sister) had gifted it to Clarence with a note that said simply "cause you're a nerd". He had kept it on a shelf for a while next to his Sonic Screwdriver until he discovered, completely accidentally, that it was enchanted to obey the commands of it's owner.
Fauntleroy seethed with anger and the twin barrels of the shotgun shook visibly. The angry duck's face was covered by a death mask of frustration, madness and sloth bits. Clarence knew he had only seconds to act, to diffuse the situation. He also knew that if worst came to worst he wouldn't hesitate to use his magical dagger on the fowl who'd been the cause of so many of his life's problems. He lifted the back of his shirt and whispered "hover" to the dagger which smoothly lifted itself out of the sheath strapped to his back. It hung in the air silently, awaiting instructions from it's master, while Clarence prepared himself to "talk down" the fowl who was threatening his friend's life.
"Fauntleroy." Clarence said calmly. The duck shifted his aim violently towards his former employee and snarled "Have you ever heard of a sandwich shop that didn't have pickles of any kind?". Clarence didn't know what to say so he ignored the question. "What do you want Fauntleroy? What can we do to make this ok?" Clarence hoped he could get Fauntleroy to calm down, to listen to reason, but he knew deep down that the only likely resolution would involve more bloodshed.
"I only want what was promised to me." Fauntleroy motioned towards the brown paper bag Ferdinand held close and snorted. If Clarence hadn't been watching it happen he'd have sworn an angry bull had made the sound and he had to stifle a laugh despite the tense situation. Ferdinand immediately thrust the bag towards his boss, wanting nothing more than to get out of the situation with his health intact, but the sudden movement startled the elderly duck. His trigger finger tightened, both hammers fell and there was a crash of noise loud enough to deafen a god. Clarence blinked away a pair of involuntary tears. Where his best friend had stood there was only a slowly dissipating cloud of shredded brown paper, pastry crust, burned beef and bits of brown fur.
Clarence reached to the small of his back and felt the comforting shape of the enchanted Narnian dagger that his sister had given him for Hanuka a couple of years ago. She'd worked as a set dresser on "The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe" and had snatched it from James McAvoy's dressing room while he was in makeup with the intention of selling it as memorabilia. She'd been disappointed when it wouldn't show up in pictures making it impossible to list effectively on ebay. Charlene (Clarence's sister) had gifted it to Clarence with a note that said simply "cause you're a nerd". He had kept it on a shelf for a while next to his Sonic Screwdriver until he discovered, completely accidentally, that it was enchanted to obey the commands of it's owner.
Fauntleroy seethed with anger and the twin barrels of the shotgun shook visibly. The angry duck's face was covered by a death mask of frustration, madness and sloth bits. Clarence knew he had only seconds to act, to diffuse the situation. He also knew that if worst came to worst he wouldn't hesitate to use his magical dagger on the fowl who'd been the cause of so many of his life's problems. He lifted the back of his shirt and whispered "hover" to the dagger which smoothly lifted itself out of the sheath strapped to his back. It hung in the air silently, awaiting instructions from it's master, while Clarence prepared himself to "talk down" the fowl who was threatening his friend's life.
"Fauntleroy." Clarence said calmly. The duck shifted his aim violently towards his former employee and snarled "Have you ever heard of a sandwich shop that didn't have pickles of any kind?". Clarence didn't know what to say so he ignored the question. "What do you want Fauntleroy? What can we do to make this ok?" Clarence hoped he could get Fauntleroy to calm down, to listen to reason, but he knew deep down that the only likely resolution would involve more bloodshed.
"I only want what was promised to me." Fauntleroy motioned towards the brown paper bag Ferdinand held close and snorted. If Clarence hadn't been watching it happen he'd have sworn an angry bull had made the sound and he had to stifle a laugh despite the tense situation. Ferdinand immediately thrust the bag towards his boss, wanting nothing more than to get out of the situation with his health intact, but the sudden movement startled the elderly duck. His trigger finger tightened, both hammers fell and there was a crash of noise loud enough to deafen a god. Clarence blinked away a pair of involuntary tears. Where his best friend had stood there was only a slowly dissipating cloud of shredded brown paper, pastry crust, burned beef and bits of brown fur.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
A Tale of Magic and Woe, set in an Arby's Restaurant. Part 4
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU DON'T HAVE ANY PICKLES!!!?!?"
Fauntleroy the duck practically shook with anger, frustration and hunger. It was a testament to just how packed with these emotions he was that they were still visible from behind him where Clarence and Ferdinand watched in horror. "How can you serve sandwiches without even a gherkin available?" Fauntleroy questioned the terrified and trembling Sloth.
"I'm very sorry sir, Arby's is a franchised restaurant and we can only carry the foods that the parent corporation supplies us with. If there is anything at all that I can offer you from our variety of products please let me know!". Clarence was surprised at how smoothly and eloquently Matthias the Sloth handled the feathered powder keg. Clearly this was not the first case of pickle rage that Arby's lack of crunchy dill treats had resulted in.
"Very well Mr. Sloth, I am very sorry to have raised my voice. If you will provide me with a chocolate turnover free of charge then I will be happy to forget about your company's reprehensible bias against pickles and be on my way." Fauntleroy the duck looked expectantly at Matthias who suddenly broke out in a sheen of sweat all over his furred forehead. "I'm very sorry sir, it's just..." "Spit it out you imbecilic arboreal nincompoop!" Fauntleroy interrupted him, clearly beginning to lose patience with the apologetic three-toed leaf-eater. "We're all out of chocolate turnovers sir, I'm afraid I sold the last one to the customer just before you. Maybe he'd be w."
BLAM.
BLAM.
Two explosions in quick succession rang out, interrupting the cashier in mid-sentence, before the occupants of the fast food establishment could comprehend what had happened. Clarence's mind spun as he tried to connect the disturbing sounds with a memory he knew was hidden in the depths of his consciousness. Before he could find the long lost experience his eyes locked onto the answer. A double barreled shotgun smoking, a horrible mess behind the counter and a wild-eyed Fauntleroy the duck who was slowly aiming the firearm at Clarence's best friend.
Fauntleroy the duck practically shook with anger, frustration and hunger. It was a testament to just how packed with these emotions he was that they were still visible from behind him where Clarence and Ferdinand watched in horror. "How can you serve sandwiches without even a gherkin available?" Fauntleroy questioned the terrified and trembling Sloth.
"I'm very sorry sir, Arby's is a franchised restaurant and we can only carry the foods that the parent corporation supplies us with. If there is anything at all that I can offer you from our variety of products please let me know!". Clarence was surprised at how smoothly and eloquently Matthias the Sloth handled the feathered powder keg. Clearly this was not the first case of pickle rage that Arby's lack of crunchy dill treats had resulted in.
"Very well Mr. Sloth, I am very sorry to have raised my voice. If you will provide me with a chocolate turnover free of charge then I will be happy to forget about your company's reprehensible bias against pickles and be on my way." Fauntleroy the duck looked expectantly at Matthias who suddenly broke out in a sheen of sweat all over his furred forehead. "I'm very sorry sir, it's just..." "Spit it out you imbecilic arboreal nincompoop!" Fauntleroy interrupted him, clearly beginning to lose patience with the apologetic three-toed leaf-eater. "We're all out of chocolate turnovers sir, I'm afraid I sold the last one to the customer just before you. Maybe he'd be w."
BLAM.
BLAM.
Two explosions in quick succession rang out, interrupting the cashier in mid-sentence, before the occupants of the fast food establishment could comprehend what had happened. Clarence's mind spun as he tried to connect the disturbing sounds with a memory he knew was hidden in the depths of his consciousness. Before he could find the long lost experience his eyes locked onto the answer. A double barreled shotgun smoking, a horrible mess behind the counter and a wild-eyed Fauntleroy the duck who was slowly aiming the firearm at Clarence's best friend.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
A Tale of Magic and Woe, set in an Arby's Restaurant. Part 3
The clerk smiled shyly at Clarence, he was a middle aged sloth with a name tag that said "Hi, my name is Matthias", and opened his mouth. Before he could say even a single letter Clarence cut him off, he knew what he wanted after all, by saying "Gimme a Big Montana, and don't try and tell me you don't have anything called that, just because some high muckity muck decided to change the name it doesn't mean you don't have a Big Montana. Also a large diet coke please." The clerk's smile got a little bigger as he rang up the order.
Clarence paid for his food, took the ticket and shuffled off to wait for his comfort food to be ready. He knew it was going to take a few minutes, after all there's something like 14 pounds of roast beef on one those things, so he headed towards the condiment bar to round up several packets of Arby's Sauce and some Horsey Sauce for good measure. Clarence sometimes thought he could sit and drink Arby's Sauce, it just tasted like pure sin to him, but the thought that something that good had to be bad kept his saucey lust in check.
While the sheep hoarded his white and red treasures Ferdinand stepped up to the counter to place his order. Ferdinand waited patiently for the clerk to greet him, there was a moment of awkward silence as the be-furred cashier tried to decide if his new customer would interrupt him like Clarence had, and then smiled as the sloth smoothly rattled off his practiced introduction. "Welcome to Arby's sir, would you like to try our brand new Chocolate Turnover? They're only available for a limited time!". Ferdinand had been waiting to hear exactly that. "I'll take 6 Turnovers, a Giant Beef & Chedder and a large Banana Milkshake."
It only took one look into Ferdinand's eyes for the clerk to know he wasn't kidding about the turnovers. The clerk rang up the order quickly and Ferdinand paid with a smile. He knew as well as Clarence that he was in for a bit of a wait but the giant paper bag waiting next to the order window made any wait worthwhile. That bag would soon be filled almost to the top with delicious, flaky turnovers, filled themselves with melty chocolate goodness. In the meantime Ferdinand could spend a few precious moments out of earshot of Mr. Fauntleroy to catch up with Clarence.
"I see you're still addicted to Arby's Sauce, I guess it's nice to know that some things never change no matter how many hypnosis sessions you attend!". Clarence smirked at Ferdinand as the monkey sidled up beside him and began to pull napkins from the dispenser. "I've been off the sauce for almost 2 years now, thank you very much, I'm just doing a little backsliding. It was a really crummy day at work so I decided to test Madame LeFarfuche's work." Ferdinand laughed with genuine amusement and replied "Clearly she was as good as she proclaimed to be, do you have her business card on you?".
"Listen" started Clarence. "I'm real sorry I left you with that horrible old man, things really weren't so bad and it's obvious he's gotten better if you're willing to eat lunch with him." "You're crazy! If you hadn't left when you did I'm positive the two of you would have been at each others' throats with framing knives and I'd have been the poor fool left to clean up the gizzards!" Ferdinand, ironically, looked sheepish as he talked to Clarence. "The only reason I'm out here with him today is because he threatened to take away my lunch break entirely unless I brought him with me. The old coot's lost his mind, do you know he wants me to design a frame made entirely of bread?!"
Clarence laughed out loud but immediately reigned in his guffaws, the last thing he needed was to get his best friend in trouble with Mr. Fauntleroy, and then glanced worriedly in the direction of the counter where the old duck was engaged in a heated debate with the shy sloth cashier. The sheep and the monkey knew this scenario all too well thanks to their years working for Mr. Fauntleroy and they were torn by a desire to save another sentient being from this pain and an equal need to avoid a lunatic's wrath.
After watching the verbal duel for 30 seconds it was clear to Clarence that he would have to intervene if he ever hoped to enjoy his lunch. He reluctantly placed the Arby's Sauce packets in a pile on the counter and took three long steps towards the counter, Mr. Fauntleroy and salvation for Matthias the Sloth's mortal soul.
Clarence paid for his food, took the ticket and shuffled off to wait for his comfort food to be ready. He knew it was going to take a few minutes, after all there's something like 14 pounds of roast beef on one those things, so he headed towards the condiment bar to round up several packets of Arby's Sauce and some Horsey Sauce for good measure. Clarence sometimes thought he could sit and drink Arby's Sauce, it just tasted like pure sin to him, but the thought that something that good had to be bad kept his saucey lust in check.
While the sheep hoarded his white and red treasures Ferdinand stepped up to the counter to place his order. Ferdinand waited patiently for the clerk to greet him, there was a moment of awkward silence as the be-furred cashier tried to decide if his new customer would interrupt him like Clarence had, and then smiled as the sloth smoothly rattled off his practiced introduction. "Welcome to Arby's sir, would you like to try our brand new Chocolate Turnover? They're only available for a limited time!". Ferdinand had been waiting to hear exactly that. "I'll take 6 Turnovers, a Giant Beef & Chedder and a large Banana Milkshake."
It only took one look into Ferdinand's eyes for the clerk to know he wasn't kidding about the turnovers. The clerk rang up the order quickly and Ferdinand paid with a smile. He knew as well as Clarence that he was in for a bit of a wait but the giant paper bag waiting next to the order window made any wait worthwhile. That bag would soon be filled almost to the top with delicious, flaky turnovers, filled themselves with melty chocolate goodness. In the meantime Ferdinand could spend a few precious moments out of earshot of Mr. Fauntleroy to catch up with Clarence.
"I see you're still addicted to Arby's Sauce, I guess it's nice to know that some things never change no matter how many hypnosis sessions you attend!". Clarence smirked at Ferdinand as the monkey sidled up beside him and began to pull napkins from the dispenser. "I've been off the sauce for almost 2 years now, thank you very much, I'm just doing a little backsliding. It was a really crummy day at work so I decided to test Madame LeFarfuche's work." Ferdinand laughed with genuine amusement and replied "Clearly she was as good as she proclaimed to be, do you have her business card on you?".
"Listen" started Clarence. "I'm real sorry I left you with that horrible old man, things really weren't so bad and it's obvious he's gotten better if you're willing to eat lunch with him." "You're crazy! If you hadn't left when you did I'm positive the two of you would have been at each others' throats with framing knives and I'd have been the poor fool left to clean up the gizzards!" Ferdinand, ironically, looked sheepish as he talked to Clarence. "The only reason I'm out here with him today is because he threatened to take away my lunch break entirely unless I brought him with me. The old coot's lost his mind, do you know he wants me to design a frame made entirely of bread?!"
Clarence laughed out loud but immediately reigned in his guffaws, the last thing he needed was to get his best friend in trouble with Mr. Fauntleroy, and then glanced worriedly in the direction of the counter where the old duck was engaged in a heated debate with the shy sloth cashier. The sheep and the monkey knew this scenario all too well thanks to their years working for Mr. Fauntleroy and they were torn by a desire to save another sentient being from this pain and an equal need to avoid a lunatic's wrath.
After watching the verbal duel for 30 seconds it was clear to Clarence that he would have to intervene if he ever hoped to enjoy his lunch. He reluctantly placed the Arby's Sauce packets in a pile on the counter and took three long steps towards the counter, Mr. Fauntleroy and salvation for Matthias the Sloth's mortal soul.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
A Tale of Magic and Woe, set in an Arby's Restaurant. Part 2
As Clarence the Sheep and Ferdinand the Monkey's friendly embrace came to an end there was a rough, annoyed cough from the other side of a large, artificial plant. The cough carried the kind of wetness that would cause any loved one to question the health of the person from whom it had originated. Clarence tried to see through the plant, tried to see who was surely dying of the consumption, but the plastic fronds blocked his view.
Just as Clarence had decided to leave well enough alone a curmudgeonly duck waddled out from behind the faux-fern and into view. Clarence recognized him immediately, it was Fauntleroy, the owner of the frame shop where he and Ferdinand had worked for so many years, and he had to fight very hard not to fall immediately back into the funk he'd been in after work.
In the same way that Ferdinand had been the reason Clarence stayed at "Totally Trimming" for so long, Fauntleroy was the only reason he'd finally left. Fauntleroy had been the definition of "irritable" on his best days and on his worst he'd been as horrible as a Wampa with a frost thorn in it's foot. Ferdinand realized instantly that his estranged friend wasn't happy and flashed the best "I'm SO sorry!" look he could muster. He'd never thought he'd run into Clarence at Arby's but now that he had Ferdinand was caught between pure joy and stark horror that he'd been caught eating lunch with the enemy.
Clarence extended his hoof and said "Mr. Fauntleroy, it's been too long!". He almost surprised himself with how convincing he'd been at acting happy to see the old duck. He noticed that Ferdinand, too, was practically slack-jawed as Clarence shook appendages with Fauntleroy. The crotchety old duck grunted as he pulled his hand away from Clarence, as if any further contact would cause him to lose the wing. "You're looking quite pleased with yourself, Mr. Sheep, you can cease your deceptively happy act this instant. I know you don't like me and we're wasting time better spent chewing."
Clarence held his lips shut through force of will alone and headed towards the counter to drown his anger in roasted meat.
Just as Clarence had decided to leave well enough alone a curmudgeonly duck waddled out from behind the faux-fern and into view. Clarence recognized him immediately, it was Fauntleroy, the owner of the frame shop where he and Ferdinand had worked for so many years, and he had to fight very hard not to fall immediately back into the funk he'd been in after work.
In the same way that Ferdinand had been the reason Clarence stayed at "Totally Trimming" for so long, Fauntleroy was the only reason he'd finally left. Fauntleroy had been the definition of "irritable" on his best days and on his worst he'd been as horrible as a Wampa with a frost thorn in it's foot. Ferdinand realized instantly that his estranged friend wasn't happy and flashed the best "I'm SO sorry!" look he could muster. He'd never thought he'd run into Clarence at Arby's but now that he had Ferdinand was caught between pure joy and stark horror that he'd been caught eating lunch with the enemy.
Clarence extended his hoof and said "Mr. Fauntleroy, it's been too long!". He almost surprised himself with how convincing he'd been at acting happy to see the old duck. He noticed that Ferdinand, too, was practically slack-jawed as Clarence shook appendages with Fauntleroy. The crotchety old duck grunted as he pulled his hand away from Clarence, as if any further contact would cause him to lose the wing. "You're looking quite pleased with yourself, Mr. Sheep, you can cease your deceptively happy act this instant. I know you don't like me and we're wasting time better spent chewing."
Clarence held his lips shut through force of will alone and headed towards the counter to drown his anger in roasted meat.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Shilling
I don't know if I've really explained what this site is meant for or what all of the links I've been vomiting across Twitter and Facebook are all about.
I want my work to be seen and I want feedback from as many people as possible.
Mostly I've posted my pen and ink drawings but you've also seen links to toy reviews at www.infinitehollywood.com . I'm making it a point to do all of this because it's enjoyable. I already have a job, after all, and it's important to me that I never lose the joy that creating something gives me.
I stopped drawing altogether after I started taking art classes in high school and art began to feel like a chore more than something fun and I don't want that to happen again.
This doesn't mean that I'm above being paid for my creations!
If you've liked any of the drawings I've posted they can be yours for the low, low price of $10 + shipping (where applicable). I'll also do a personalized original pen and ink drawing of whatever you want (within reason, I don't want to be skeeved out by the subject matter) for the same price. Watercolors are $20 + shipping, I haven't posted too many of those but I plan to get more up here soon.
Just send me an e-mail (lilsluggy at gmail dot com) and we can talk.
If you don't feel the need to own any of this stuff I am completely happy to have you enjoying what's here and sharing it with your friends! Follow me on twitter (@rexplode) or facebook (facebook.com/rexplode), give me your comments no matter what they are. I love knowing that other people are checking out what I post and responding to your comments is always a blast.
Thanks for looking!
I want my work to be seen and I want feedback from as many people as possible.
Mostly I've posted my pen and ink drawings but you've also seen links to toy reviews at www.infinitehollywood.com . I'm making it a point to do all of this because it's enjoyable. I already have a job, after all, and it's important to me that I never lose the joy that creating something gives me.
I stopped drawing altogether after I started taking art classes in high school and art began to feel like a chore more than something fun and I don't want that to happen again.
This doesn't mean that I'm above being paid for my creations!
If you've liked any of the drawings I've posted they can be yours for the low, low price of $10 + shipping (where applicable). I'll also do a personalized original pen and ink drawing of whatever you want (within reason, I don't want to be skeeved out by the subject matter) for the same price. Watercolors are $20 + shipping, I haven't posted too many of those but I plan to get more up here soon.
Just send me an e-mail (lilsluggy at gmail dot com) and we can talk.
If you don't feel the need to own any of this stuff I am completely happy to have you enjoying what's here and sharing it with your friends! Follow me on twitter (@rexplode) or facebook (facebook.com/rexplode), give me your comments no matter what they are. I love knowing that other people are checking out what I post and responding to your comments is always a blast.
Thanks for looking!
Thursday, April 28, 2011
World of Warcraft and getting things done
This won't come as a surprise to anyone but I'm starting to realize just how much my playing World of Warcraft is cutting in to me getting shit done.
I think what's making this apparent is that I now have several things in my life that I'd rather do than play WoW, whereas in the past WoW was about it. With me drawing and writing more (and enjoying doing both) it feels a bit like, for the first time, playing WoW is the thing I want to get done so that I can do more enjoyable things.
I know for sure that some of this is also a result of the raiding in WoW being boring lately, the guild I'm in has stopped making progress and started to actually do worse and worse every week. I have no desire to log on when we aren't raiding and so there's no connection to the people in the guild byond wanting to kill bosses and get purples. I don't want to just abandon the guild though, there are 3 real life friends in there and a lot of folks that have been nothing but nice to me.
Eventually I'll have to pick what matters the most to me, between doing the art that I love to do (and which could become more than a hobby) and obligation to people I barely know.
I think what's making this apparent is that I now have several things in my life that I'd rather do than play WoW, whereas in the past WoW was about it. With me drawing and writing more (and enjoying doing both) it feels a bit like, for the first time, playing WoW is the thing I want to get done so that I can do more enjoyable things.
I know for sure that some of this is also a result of the raiding in WoW being boring lately, the guild I'm in has stopped making progress and started to actually do worse and worse every week. I have no desire to log on when we aren't raiding and so there's no connection to the people in the guild byond wanting to kill bosses and get purples. I don't want to just abandon the guild though, there are 3 real life friends in there and a lot of folks that have been nothing but nice to me.
Eventually I'll have to pick what matters the most to me, between doing the art that I love to do (and which could become more than a hobby) and obligation to people I barely know.
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