A Tale of Magic and Woe, set in an Arby's Restaurant, part 5

His mind spun as he tried desperately to comprehend what had just taken place. One minute Clarence and Ferdinand were distant friends trying to catch up where they'd left off years ago; seconds later a screaming duck named Fauntleroy was taking aim with a freshly reloaded shotgun, intent on claiming a chocolate turnover, Ferdinand's life, or both.

Clarence reached to the small of his back and felt the comforting shape of the enchanted Narnian dagger that his sister had given him for Hanuka a couple of years ago. She'd worked as a set dresser on "The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe" and had snatched it from James McAvoy's dressing room while he was in makeup with the intention of selling it as memorabilia. She'd been disappointed when it wouldn't show up in pictures making it impossible to list effectively on ebay. Charlene (Clarence's sister) had gifted it to Clarence with a note that said simply "cause you're a nerd". He had kept it on a shelf for a while next to his Sonic Screwdriver until he discovered, completely accidentally, that it was enchanted to obey the commands of it's owner.

Fauntleroy seethed with anger and the twin barrels of the shotgun shook visibly. The angry duck's face was covered by a death mask of frustration, madness and sloth bits. Clarence knew he had only seconds to act, to diffuse the situation. He also knew that if worst came to worst he wouldn't hesitate to use his magical dagger on the fowl who'd been the cause of so many of his life's problems. He lifted the back of his shirt and whispered "hover" to the dagger which smoothly lifted itself out of the sheath strapped to his back. It hung in the air silently, awaiting instructions from it's master, while Clarence prepared himself to "talk down" the fowl who was threatening his friend's life.

"Fauntleroy." Clarence said calmly. The duck shifted his aim violently towards his former employee and snarled "Have you ever heard of a sandwich shop that didn't have pickles of any kind?". Clarence didn't know what to say so he ignored the question. "What do you want Fauntleroy? What can we do to make this ok?" Clarence hoped he could get Fauntleroy to calm down, to listen to reason, but he knew deep down that the only likely resolution would involve more bloodshed.

"I only want what was promised to me." Fauntleroy motioned towards the brown paper bag Ferdinand held close and snorted. If Clarence hadn't been watching it happen he'd have sworn an angry bull had made the sound and he had to stifle a laugh despite the tense situation. Ferdinand immediately thrust the bag towards his boss, wanting nothing more than to get out of the situation with his health intact, but the sudden movement startled the elderly duck. His trigger finger tightened, both hammers fell and there was a crash of noise loud enough to deafen a god. Clarence blinked away a pair of involuntary tears. Where his best friend had stood there was only a slowly dissipating cloud of shredded brown paper, pastry crust, burned beef and bits of brown fur.

A Tale of Magic and Woe, set in an Arby's Restaurant. Part 4

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU DON'T HAVE ANY PICKLES!!!?!?"

Fauntleroy the duck practically shook with anger, frustration and hunger. It was a testament to just how packed with these emotions he was that they were still visible from behind him where Clarence and Ferdinand watched in horror. "How can you serve sandwiches without even a gherkin available?" Fauntleroy questioned the terrified and trembling Sloth.

"I'm very sorry sir, Arby's is a franchised restaurant and we can only carry the foods that the parent corporation supplies us with. If there is anything at all that I can offer you from our variety of products please let me know!". Clarence was surprised at how smoothly and eloquently Matthias the Sloth handled the feathered powder keg. Clearly this was not the first case of pickle rage that Arby's lack of crunchy dill treats had resulted in.

"Very well Mr. Sloth, I am very sorry to have raised my voice. If you will provide me with a chocolate turnover free of charge then I will be happy to forget about your company's reprehensible bias against pickles and be on my way." Fauntleroy the duck looked expectantly at Matthias who suddenly broke out in a sheen of sweat all over his furred forehead. "I'm very sorry sir, it's just..." "Spit it out you imbecilic arboreal nincompoop!" Fauntleroy interrupted him, clearly beginning to lose patience with the apologetic three-toed leaf-eater. "We're all out of chocolate turnovers sir, I'm afraid I sold the last one to the customer just before you. Maybe he'd be w."

BLAM.
BLAM.

Two explosions in quick succession rang out, interrupting the cashier in mid-sentence, before the occupants of the fast food establishment could comprehend what had happened. Clarence's mind spun as he tried to connect the disturbing sounds with a memory he knew was hidden in the depths of his consciousness. Before he could find the long lost experience his eyes locked onto the answer. A double barreled shotgun smoking, a horrible mess behind the counter and a wild-eyed Fauntleroy the duck who was slowly aiming the firearm at Clarence's best friend.